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Downtown Palestine:  A Real Horror Story

Downtown Palestine: A Real Horror Story


PALESTINE, TX—Details are starting to emerge about an animal control experiment gone bad.  In years past, downtown Palestine had an issue with wild hogs.  Over the years, the hog problem slowly vanished, slipping silently from the minds of downtown business owners and visitors.   But now, the shortsightedness of the past has created a nightmare scenario today.

Leaked City of Palestine documents prove that city officials imported pythons to eliminate the feral hog issues in the downtown area, but now that the hogs have been devoured and are no longer a food source for the pythons, city officials realize they have a huge snake problem on their hands.  Code Western recently left downtown due to the python issue, however their official statement for leaving referred to “not enough traffic in the downtown area.”

The Dogwood Tale has learned the real reason why there is not enough traffic in the downtown area.  It is due to the invasive python poplulation that is slowly taking over.  It’s a case of pythons gone wild and they are eating anything and everything according to one anonymous source who is employed in the Public Works department for the city.  He stated vehicles have been disappearing as well as people. “Why do you think that tunnel backed up with water last April?” he asked before explaining what really happened, “One of them snakes ate a VW Beetle, saw it with my own eyes, first he wrapped hisself around it and crushed it, then swallered it whole and of course it’s gonna take a car quite a while to rust out inside a big old snake.”  The employee shuddered for a moment then continued, “Anyway, that snake crawled inside that tunnel, and got stuck way down inside it and eventually died when  that oil and gas was released into its body.  Then all that big rain came and before long all them businesses down in the holler was underwater.” The employee cautioned, “Don’t believe none of that talk about ain’t nuthin’ wrong, cause we got a serious mess on our hands.”

Main Street Director Greg Laudadio says it’s not as bad as some are making it out to be, “Look, it’s not like we have a great white shark off Amity Island, we’ve got a few friendly snakes doing what snakes do.  They generally only come out at night so if people just exercise some common sense, it’s really not a problem at all.”

Public Works crews are hesitant to get involved, “I hate snakes,” said Director Tim Perry upon learning one of his employees had made public comments, “And these snakes are big and getting bigger, they could swallow me whole and everybody knows I’m a big ol’ boy, so I’m just taking a hands off approach for now.”  Perry suggested we speak to animal control, “It’s their problem, not mine”

Animal control officials admit there may be some connection between the number of lost pet reports showing up on Facebook and the snake issue.  “Okay, we sometimes feed the lost pets to the snakes, but we really have no choice at this point,” admitted one employee, “It’s either them or us.”  The employee made a dire warning, “When the pets and the animals from the shelter are used up, the next food source is the nursing homes, but of course, if we can lure a lot of tourist foot traffic to downtown after dark, we might just save the local population.”


Harold Press Harold Press is always searching for the next story. Just the facts ma'am, just the facts, or whatever you can make up!


  1. Until one of the snakes gets a kid, I see a win-win situation. Less strays, less hogs. Snatch up a human and the evaluation will be drastically altered though. I’m not heartless.


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