PALESTINE,TX — The non-profit Texas Theatre group has announced plans to host a fundraising roast in honor of Ricky Minton, owner and operator of the Dogwood Tale and Small Town Justice websites. While a “roast committee” has been hurriedly assembled to plan the festivities, the spokesman said the event will take place during the annual Dogwood Trails this year.
Unlike the traditional TV comedy roast, Minton’s roast will involve a real fire, and according to the spokesman, “What we plan to do is to hunt down and capture that slippery, squealing little pig, Ricky Minton, then let the city manager, Wendy Ellis, ram her stripper pole up his rump and out his mouth, mount him above a large, open fire, and then slow roast his sorry little dogwood tail until he’s done….forever!” The group anticipates thousands will be in attendance and are promising that people will be allowed the opportunity to “stick a fork in Ricky,” even before the fire is lit.
The theatre group has partnered with the City of Palestine which plans to use the rendered fat drippings to fill hundreds of potholes around the city. Director of Public Works, Tim Perry, said they have never tried anything quite like fat drippings, but went on to say, “it’s oil based, so we’ll mix the drippings with small pebbles, sand, and tar to form a new compound that we feel will resist moisture infiltration which is a major problem with pavement deterioration.” Mr. Perry also stated his crew has already nicknamed the new substance, “Minton’s Pig Patch.”
The theatre spokesman anticipates “Minton meat” will be “rather tough, with an extremely bitter taste” making it “unfit for either human or animal consumption” and says the City of Palestine has agreed to dispose of Minton’s remaining debris at the old Wells Creek Wastewater Treatment Plant, an act Mr. Perry called, “A perfect ending,” noting that, “Ricky will forever be a part of Wells Creek.” Mr. Perry then offered his assurances to the public that unlike before, “The city will obtain the proper permits from TCEQ for this project.”
Details of the upcoming event will be released at a later date.