PALESTINE, TX—In an act of desperation brought on by campaign fatigue, local resident Michael Sims the on again-off again candidate for city mayor who has now publicly thrown his support to Theresa Hamilton-Roberts, has reportedly caused severe damage to the hood of his own vehicle.
Thursday morning, Sims parked his vehicle in its usual space at the local Walmart store where he works, exited the vehicle and then walked to the front of the car. Witnesses say he stood there for a moment while setting up his live streaming cell phone camera. He then waved to passersby before leaning forward and began flailing away at the hood of his vehicle with his bare fists, actions that were broadcast live to the stunned audience of three who had checked in to watch. Large dents, big dents like baseball-size hail dents, were the result of the constant pounding.
Always one to recognize those who join his live feeds, Sims could be heard saying,”Hello Ricky, Hello Katy, Hello Adam, oh, I’m not late for work am I,” as he continued his vicious assault on his own car. “No, no, no,” he screamed, “It cannot happen, I will not let it happen, no, no, no.” A Go-Bus pulled into the parking lot and Sims’ mother happened to spot her son and began yelling out the window and waving her cane, “That’s my boy! He’s alive, he’s alive again on the entrynet.”
Walmart store manager Adam Harding eventually came out of the store (apparently it’s hard to leave a good live-action feed on the entrynet) and confronted the angry employee and quietly addressed the situation, “Michael, calm down, just tell me what is wrong.” Sims then explained to Harding that Steve Presley must not become mayor, “He’s bad for Palestine, I know some people think he’s good, but he’s not, he’s not good, he’s uh, he’s, he’s uh, he’s shady.”
Harding patted Sims on the shoulder and asked, “By shady, you mean shady like a Dogwood Tree?” to which Sims replied, “No, that’s good shady, I mean bad shady, you know, like Slim Shady, a dark and evil shady, a shady type of shady, the type of shady that views everything for sale or rent, a distorted shady, a very disturbed and ugly shady, the type of shady that can do real harm.”
Harding nodded his head in agreement, “I understand,” then reached into his right pants pocket and pulled out one slim dark-colored M&M. He handed it to Sims and stated, “It’s gonna be okay, now go on inside, time to get to work, and guess what, there’s a brand new broom waiting for you.” Nearing the front door, Sims reportedly screamed in anguish when he noticed the M&M had melted in his hand. He stopped and shouted to the sky, “See, this is exactly what I’m talking about!”
Employees at the store have nicknamed him “Sims Shady” in a respectful, fun sort of way, but for the most part seemed to be in agreement with his parking lot statements about how things are not always what they seem to be. “He’s just looking out for the best interest of the voters, bless his heart,” remarked one cashier, “And it’s about time somebody did that so I appreciate the genuine love and concern he has for his neighbors, he has good instincts.”