Home Palestine Playboy Icon Tours Palestine Mall
Playboy Icon Tours Palestine Mall

Playboy Icon Tours Palestine Mall

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PALESTINE—News about the AdultMart Supercenter going in at the Palestine Mall is spreading quicker than a STD from a Palestine Avenue prostitute and has attracted the attention of Playboy magazine magnate Hugh Hefner. Hefner made a surprise visit yesterday, flying into Palestine Municipal Airport via private Playboy jet accompanied by a bevy of his most stunningly attractive business associates. One airport employee said it was surreal, “This Playboy plane pulls up to the hangar, looking like a, uh, well, a rather large penis, so we open the door and help guide it all the way in until it’s no longer in sight. Once we closed the hangar door, Mr. Hefner came down the stairs and shook my hand. I pointed to the plane and asked if I could touch it and he said yes, but warned me to be careful because it might turn into a 747. I thought that was pretty funny.”

After Hefner had left the hangar, airport employees say they couldn’t halp but make jokes about the plane, “Have you ever seen a wang span like that?”, asked one, while another spoke up, “Call yo momma, I hear no job’s too big for her!” Employees were literally rolling on the floor laughing at their childish cleverness, “So, this is what the inside of a penis looks like”, observed one employee while peeking into the plane, “I could live in this thing.”

Hefner has conducted private talks with AdultMart and is negotiating a buy-in agreement with the company and says he flew into town to check out the possible investment. A spokesman for AdultMart said the influx of cash from Hefner would be “the financial Viagra our company needs to meet performance expectations.”

Hefner toured the Palestine Mall and said he liked what he saw, but expressed disappointment the mayor and city manager did not meet with him as promised. “I guess they’re in hiding after all the publicity,” he speculated as he briefly stepped inside the Palestine Public Library and dropped off a robe and pipe for the mayor and an official Playboy bunny suit for the city manager. He told the library staff, “I expect them to wear these at he ribbon cutting ceremony,” then he laid several pairs of furry handcuffs on the desk with instructions to “make sure Chief Herbert gets these, from what I hear, he can use them and if he needs more, tell him to call me.”

Hefner continued his mall tour commenting that he wants to expand his empire, among other things, and indicated he has no qualms about meeting the demands of local officials who like to encourage potential businesses to bail out the city from its past mistakes, “They want the old hospital torn down, I’ll do it, what’s a couple of million dollars when I know my operation is going to net tens of millions, it’s nickels holding up a dollar,” he said. Hefner is so confident about the future of the AdultMart and the numerous spinoff businesses it will create, he said he’ll even offer an added incentive to local government, “I’ll pay off the original Texas State Railroad loan, that’s an additional $500,000 in immediate revenue for the city.”

Hefner noted one council member in particluar had expressed keen interest in the possible financial arrangement, especially the railroad payment, and quoted him as saying, “Our prayers have been answered,” but the official asked “Hef” to downplay his involvement because he needed time to come up with political cover. Hefner says city leaders here “are a dime a dozen” and they sure like to pat themselves on the back, “You know what, with such arrogant leadership, maybe I should have a little fun, how about the city pay me NOT to come here? You’ve got a number of wheeler-dealer types who will do just about anything to elevate themselves in the eyes of the public. But, I wouldn’t do that to the hard-working locals, they’ve been screwed over enough by these hustlers and I’m here to help, not hurt.”

Hefner had a final thought on his way back to the airport, “I understand your city leaders have a fixation on Christmas in the downtown area. If anyone has put damn Christmas lights on my plane, I swear, I will crash the s-o-b into city hall and and show them what a real pickle tickle is all about.”

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Harold Press Harold Press is always searching for the next story. Just the facts ma'am, just the facts, or whatever you can make up!