Home Palestine Palestine’s First Sexually Oriented Business: The Texxxas Theater; Approval at Tonight’s Council Meeting
Palestine’s First Sexually Oriented Business:  The Texxxas Theater; Approval at Tonight’s Council Meeting

Palestine’s First Sexually Oriented Business: The Texxxas Theater; Approval at Tonight’s Council Meeting

113
22

PALESTINE, TX — It was bound to happen said city manager Wendy Ellis when asked how it was possible for a company to buy the Texas Theater and open a sexually oriented dance club.

“You see, the problem started when council approved the sexually oriented business zone last month and after the meeting, Mayor [Therrell] Thomas forgot to sign it so when the guys from the Texxxas Theater came and asked for a permit, we didn’t have a choice,” Ellis said with a wink.

The renovations to open the new Texxxas Theater have already begun with a new sign on the front of the building already up and ready.

“So, there won’t be any confusion, we made sure that it was clearly labeled ‘XXX’ on the sign so only those people that want to visit will end up there so I don’t want to hear any bitching,” Ellis said.

The new Texxxas Theater won’t be the family entertainment you’re used to seeing.  Don’t expect to see Shrek roaming around this theater, unless he wants to see some good ol’ fashioned pole dancing.

“Before everyone gets their panties in a wad, this new theater will bring over 70 jobs to the area, most of which will require a nice figure and some athleticism for the pole dancing, and lots of entertainment for those of us…I mean you…that enjoy this kind of thing,” said Ellis in response to public criticism.  “All I hear is ‘I want more jobs in Palestine,’ well, here is your freakin’ jobs so be happy and stop whining!”

Mayor Thomas was excited about the new venture and hopes to reach a deal that would allow his liquor store to offer products to the new theater.

“I see this as a business opportunity, you know, I mean, they have the girls and I have the booze and they go hand in hand,” Thomas said. “Very nice!”  Thomas added through his laughter that he was ‘sorry’ for forgetting to sign the ordinance.

The theater received several exceptions from local ordinances, such as, dancers will be permitted to perform lap dances, there will be private rooms for one-on-one dances, and, if Ellis has her way, once an ordinance is passed legalizing prostitution in the city, other unique services should become available.

“If council doesn’t approve the prostitution ordinance, remember, just like with gay marriage, I have a pen and I’m not afraid to use it,” Ellis bragged.  “I don’t think any of the gays will be hanging out here unless they’re one of those that like it both ways so it’ll be safe for us straights.  By the way, what’s up with being ‘bisexual?’  If you go to the moon, you’re an astronaut, if you ask me.”

Former district five council member Mark Price was so excited, when called for a comment, that an ambulance was summoned and he was treated for heart palpitations.

The new Texxxas Theater is entering the Palestine area after two other failed sexually oriented business ventures:  the adult super center at the Palestine mall and the 57-acre adult oriented theme park.

“We learned our lesson from those two attempts and this time kept this a secret until we were ready to make the big announcement,” Ellis told The Dogwood Tale.  “The bottom line is this, I will do anything to promote the downtown area and tourism in Palestine.  Anything.”

The final approval of the business is expected at tonight’s meeting of the Palestine City Council paving way for the theater to open by Friday night with a cheese and wine celebration before the first dance begins.

“Yea, we expect council member Vickey Chivers to vote against it, what else is new,” Ellis said.

(113)

Comment(22)

    1. As long as the pot is stirred maybe people will actually turn out and vote for a change. Who cares what makes them decide to stop living in a bubble of apathy, just that they stop.

    2. That’s part of the problem with Palestine. People won’t vote, sad but true. This is an exaggeration of what a government can do if just left unchecked, which our city is indeed.

  1. Dishonest coward. To hide an attack behind a thinly veiled passive aggressive post that you call “satire” is indeed cowardly. I’m assuming your latest conceit is in reference to the next show at the Texas- Love, Sex, and the IRS. I further assume that the mere mention of the word Sex has you all in a tizzy. The Sex referred to in the title refers to gender, not copulation. Unfortunately there are several people out there who do not realize that you are a faux news commentary site, rather than a truthful one. I notice your disclaimer is not only far at the bottom, but in low contrast letters to be certain no one sees them til your damage is done. Shame on you.

      1. You will notice I do not hide my identity. When I criticize, I take responsibility for what I write. And while I may appear “a piece of shit” in your eyes, the fact is that I have heard several people in the past who’ve seen some of his posts refer to them without knowing they are “made up” stories.

  2. I am seeing all over Facebook the hate the writer is getting for his PURPOSELY made up stories. Seriously, if you don’t like what he writes, then just ignore it. Throwing a fit about how it “gives us a bad name” is quite ignorant. It won’t change anything, there’s freedom of speech in the USA, just let it roll off your back. If you make such a big deal out of it all you’re doing is making yourself upset.

    Just as people don’t really care or put too much thought in what this satirical author posts, no one cares what you have to say about it.

    And to the people who think it’s “cyber-bullying” are you serious!? Is this post making anyone so incredibly hurt that it’s leaving lasting damage to your emotional well being? If so, I kindly suggest you get some help because there’s a lot worse going on than this purely entertainment and fake post.

    Anyone who thinks it’s true might be a little slow in the head as well, obviously Palestine wouldn’t do something like this, and if you have to go and tell people purposely that it’s a fake article then what does that say about their naivety?

  3. Its funny..they are getting paid for the ads and people who other wise dont care about city politics are at least reading The faux stories and looking into them to see if they are true…I am getting tired of reading “it was bound to happen” …come up with a new one….

  4. “Anyone who thinks it’s true might be a little slow in the head as well, obviously Palestine wouldn’t do something like this, and if you have to go and tell people purposely that it’s a fake article then what does that say about their naivety?” It says a lot. And while this site strives to be the poor man’s The Onion, the articles written here are far more mean-spirited. Of course that’s just my opinion which is open to dispute. Of course I put my name on my opinion, so that I take responsibility for what I say.

    1. You guys have a point. The stories are clearly made up to the discerning eye. And unlike the Onion, Minton does have a disclaimer at the bottom. In the end it’s a good lesson in caveat lector (let the reader beware). If only every reader did beware. Live well.

  5. Satire people. Like the Onion, political cartoons or to an extent SNL. Geez, stop crying over your safe little small town and anything that might disturb the status quo. P-town people seen to be stuck in the wholesome, white bread, state champion days of ’64. 2015 and more power to the Dogwood Tale, I say!!

Comments are closed.