Palestine’s First Sexually Oriented Business: The Texxxas Theater; Approval at Tonight’s Council Meeting
PALESTINE, TX — It was bound to happen said city manager Wendy Ellis when asked how it was possible for a company to buy the Texas Theater and open a sexually oriented dance club.
“You see, the problem started when council approved the sexually oriented business zone last month and after the meeting, Mayor [Therrell] Thomas forgot to sign it so when the guys from the Texxxas Theater came and asked for a permit, we didn’t have a choice,” Ellis said with a wink.
The renovations to open the new Texxxas Theater have already begun with a new sign on the front of the building already up and ready.
“So, there won’t be any confusion, we made sure that it was clearly labeled ‘XXX’ on the sign so only those people that want to visit will end up there so I don’t want to hear any bitching,” Ellis said.
The new Texxxas Theater won’t be the family entertainment you’re used to seeing. Don’t expect to see Shrek roaming around this theater, unless he wants to see some good ol’ fashioned pole dancing.
“Before everyone gets their panties in a wad, this new theater will bring over 70 jobs to the area, most of which will require a nice figure and some athleticism for the pole dancing, and lots of entertainment for those of us…I mean you…that enjoy this kind of thing,” said Ellis in response to public criticism. “All I hear is ‘I want more jobs in Palestine,’ well, here is your freakin’ jobs so be happy and stop whining!”
Mayor Thomas was excited about the new venture and hopes to reach a deal that would allow his liquor store to offer products to the new theater.
“I see this as a business opportunity, you know, I mean, they have the girls and I have the booze and they go hand in hand,” Thomas said. “Very nice!” Thomas added through his laughter that he was ‘sorry’ for forgetting to sign the ordinance.
The theater received several exceptions from local ordinances, such as, dancers will be permitted to perform lap dances, there will be private rooms for one-on-one dances, and, if Ellis has her way, once an ordinance is passed legalizing prostitution in the city, other unique services should become available.
“If council doesn’t approve the prostitution ordinance, remember, just like with gay marriage, I have a pen and I’m not afraid to use it,” Ellis bragged. “I don’t think any of the gays will be hanging out here unless they’re one of those that like it both ways so it’ll be safe for us straights. By the way, what’s up with being ‘bisexual?’ If you go to the moon, you’re an astronaut, if you ask me.”
Former district five council member Mark Price was so excited, when called for a comment, that an ambulance was summoned and he was treated for heart palpitations.
The new Texxxas Theater is entering the Palestine area after two other failed sexually oriented business ventures: the adult super center at the Palestine mall and the 57-acre adult oriented theme park.
“We learned our lesson from those two attempts and this time kept this a secret until we were ready to make the big announcement,” Ellis told The Dogwood Tale. “The bottom line is this, I will do anything to promote the downtown area and tourism in Palestine. Anything.”
The final approval of the business is expected at tonight’s meeting of the Palestine City Council paving way for the theater to open by Friday night with a cheese and wine celebration before the first dance begins.
“Yea, we expect council member Vickey Chivers to vote against it, what else is new,” Ellis said.