PALESTINE, TX—Based on a pattern of voter apathy that has become the hallmark of the local government process, election officials are predicting the lowest voter turnout on record for the upcoming May 6 general city election.
In fact, the turnout is expected to be so low that officials claim the winner will likely be decided by the candidates who have the largest families. “It’s true,” said city secretary Teresa Herrera, “If you want to place a bet on likely winners, then go to one of the ancestry websites and look at family trees to see who has the biggest one.”
TDT contacted the candidates for comments and Steve Presley who is running for mayor stated, “I’m in the process of adopting some 18 year olds, I love older kids and I’m going to adopt them and teach them how to play soccer and how to properly vote and ultimately I’ll be getting them jobs with TSRR so I can get my money back before disowning them and cutting them out of the will.”
Theresa Carver King Lincoln Washington Jefferson Jaywalker Birdow Calhoun Smith Hamilton-Roberts, also a candidate for mayor, told TDT she is holding a family reunion on election day and is looking forward to seeing some of her dearly departed family members who have promised to attend.
The third candidate for mayor, Michael Walmart-Sims commented, “I’m in the process of driving around and checking on my relatives to see if they are okay after all the rain.” Walmart-Sims added, “And I’m going to be live streaming from each voting location, so I’ll be announcing the names of my relatives as soon as they cast their votes, a one-of-a-kind event I refer to as must-see TV.”
None of the candidates from districts two, four, or six responded to our requests for comments which does not bode well for them in future TDT articles.