PALESTINE, TX—Nearing the end of his first term in office, Mayor Therrell Thomas, has submitted papers to the city secretary’s office officially declaring his intent to seek a second term. Thomas issued the following press release about his filing, “I wasn’t going to run, I was content to just sit there in my liquor store and watch the world pass me by, but since thousands of residents have contacted me saying how pleased they are with my performance, I had no choice but to live up their expectations because I just can’t stand the thought of disappointing anyone. I am humbled by all the attention and must say it’s nice to be loved by so many simpletons, but I cannot take all the credit. I had the vision to insist on the hiring of the BEST city manager this town has ever seen, Wendy Ellis. She makes my job easy, in fact, she just takes care of business and seldom bothers me with the boring little details, you know, like illegal dumpsites, budget shortfalls and high salaries for unqualified people. Even if it’s my responsibility, Wendy insists on taking over so I am free to dream of greater things. A finer employee could not possibly exist. I wish we had a city hall full of Wendy Ellis’s, but then, we’d have to change our name to Wendyville wouldn’t we?”
When contacted by phone and asked for his thoughts on other members of the council, Mayor Thomas chided District 3 councilwoman Vickey Chivers by referring to her as “Vickey Nay Nay” because of her frequent “no” votes. He says councilman Steve “choo choo” Presley, should run for mayor since he “been acting like one for years”. District 2 councilman Vernon Denmon is a man of “two faces” according to the mayor, who said he’ll only be impressed when Denmon becomes “a man of a thousand faces”. On former district 5 councilman Mark Price, Thomas said, “I’m surprised he didn’t break his f****** neck with all that head bobbing, no wonder his nickname was bobblehead, I’m just surprised he wasn’t treated for whiplash.” The mayor says Adam Harding is a “wussy” for taking a leave of absence and wishes he had just resigned. The mayor stated he tried to encourage the resignation by advising Mr. Harding, “It’s doable”. Regarding councilman Joseph Thompson of district 4, the mayor said the rookie would be “well advised to follow my lead and just shave his head”. As for newcomer, Doug Smith, serving district 5, Mayor Thomas indicated he was not pleased with the councilman’s sensible thought process saying, “We don’t need sound reasoning around here, we need cronyism and people who love Wendy”. When asked if he had ever sought advice from the former mayor, Bob Herrington, Thomas replied, “Yeah, I once asked him what the secret was to a full head of hair….look at me now….you think I’ll ever listen to that idiot again?” He was then asked to clarify his press release statement that “thousands of residents” had contacted him about his performance as mayor, and Thomas replied, “Well, there were thirty or forty thousand I think, but you can check with Wendy, she’s really good with numbers.”
The city election will be held on Saturday, May 9, and those wishing to place their names on the ballot have until 5pm on February 27 to sign up in the city secretary’s office.