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Palestine City Manager: ‘It’s Time to Secure Border with Elkhart’

Palestine City Manager: ‘It’s Time to Secure Border with Elkhart’

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“When Elkhart sends its people, they’re not sending their best.  They’re sending people that have lots of problems, and they’re bringing those problems with them.  They’re bringing outside influence, rapists and drug dealers.   Some, I assume are good people, but I haven’t met one yet.”

PALESTINE, TX–Clad in camouflage and declaring herself in ‘Wendy the Warrior,’ Palestine City Manager Wendy Ellis announced that the illegal entry of Elkhart residents into the city limits of Palestine had reached a critical level and has promised to secure the border between the neighboring cities.

“When Elkhart sends its people, they’re not sending their best.  They’re sending people that have lots of problems, and they’re bringing those problems with them.  They’re bringing outside influence, rapists and drug dealers.   Some, I assume are good people, but I haven’t met one yet,” Ellis told an attentive city council at an emergency meeting to decide if securing the border and war with Elkhart was necessary.

“My first proposal is to secure the border with Elkhart by building a wall to block the primary entrances into the city followed by deploying Palestine police officers on that new border to prevent any escalation on the part of the Southern aggressors,” Ellis explained.

“Palestine Police Chief Mike Alexander will lead the military campaign,” Ellis assured council.

Ellis said that war with the smaller neighboring city was inevitable, but assured council that the City of Palestine had the resources to achieve victory.

Ellis’ comments were met with applause from most of council.

“I think we need to conduct a survey immediately,” District 1 Councilman Adam Harding declared.  “I’m not sure who to survey, but something tells me we need to do a survey and then we can make a decision on a strategy for this war, but if a survey can’t be conducted, I see Wendy’s plan as doable.”

The most outspoken member of council in favor of war with Elkhart was District 5 Councilman Doug Smith.

“War is inevitable, if we don’t fire Ellis before that war begins, I think she is the perfect candidate to lead us into this endeavor, but I’ll admit, today I felt like she should have been fired until I saw this sweet thing in camo,” Smith said.

Ellis surprised Smith when she announced that the Confederate Memorial Plaza would be the headquarters for all war planning efforts and the battle flag for the City of Palestine would be the controversial Confederate Flag.

“I don’t even know what to say,” a blushing and enthusiastic Smith said.  “See why we didn’t fire her?  This is why!”

The measure passed in a 6-1 vote with Mayor Bob Herrington voting against.

At least one local residents was happy with Ellis’ decision.  Mary Jean Mollard, owner of the historic Redlands building, said people are always nervous during war, remembering her days as a 30-year-old Southern woman during the civil war.

“People were scared, but ultimately, it had to happen,” Mollard said while showing her tattoo of a Confederate Flag with Playboy Bunny ears peeking out from the top.

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Comment(24)

  1. Jeff, if all the people outside the glorious city of Palestine go else where to shop, then is will dry up and who the hell is gonna miss it?

  2. WE WILL SOLIDIFY OUR ALLIANCE WITH SLOCUM TO COMBAT THIS NORTHERN AGGRESSION!!!!

  3. I am an upstanding citizen and would Jeremy like to request dual citizenship since I live in Elkhart and work in Palestine! Is there a precedent set for such an occurrence?

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