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Palestine City Manager: ‘Elkhart May Have Chemical Weapons’

Palestine City Manager: ‘Elkhart May Have Chemical Weapons’


PALESTINE, TX–”The City of Elkhart may have chemical weapons,” Palestine City Manager Wendy Ellis warned the Palestine City Council during the second emergency meeting of the week as she makes her case for a wall blocking Elkhart residences from entering the City of Palestine and suggests war with the smaller neighbor may be the only way to resolve the issue.

During the last emergency meeting on Tuesday, Ellis was clear about her intentions and the reasons behind them.

“When Elkhart sends its people, they’re not sending their best. They’re sending people that have lots of problems, and they’re bringing those problems with them. They’re bringing outside influence, rapists and drug dealers. Some, I assume are good people, but I haven’t met one yet,” Ellis had previously told council.

During a meeting held in the early hours of Wednesday morning, Ellis told council that she has obtained intelligence that suggests the City of Elkhart may have chemical weapons, a fear Ellis found serious enough to begin wearing her hazmat suit that she wore during the West Nile Virus scare last year.  “I will be wearing this hazmat suit until I am confident that a threat no longer exist,” Ellis proclaimed.

“I consider this a very credible threat,” Ellis explained.  “These people are animals and will stop at nothing to destroy the City of Palestine and our Christmas in July celebration.”

Ellis said that she is working diligently to get hazmat suits for members of council and apologized for being the only one with the protective gear, but her accusations were met with resistance from Mayor Bob Herrington who argued that the residents of Elkhart were good people.

“I think we can reach a peace treaty with Elkhart, if we just give peace a chance,” Herrington said during the meeting.  “Also, I do not need a hazmat suit, if chemical weapons are deployed, my hair will cover my nasal and mouth passages keeping me safe from any attack.”

Eventually, council voted 6-1, with Herrington voting against, to declare war against Elkhart.

Herrington left the meeting early for a hair stylist appointment and was unable to be reached for further comment.

Ellis said that council will have an opportunity to approve their ‘war uniforms’ during the regular meeting on Monday night.

In other news, District 1 Councilman Adam Harding reached the next level of Candy Crush.

“I don’t even know what was being talked about, I was so into that game,” Harding said.  “I made it to the next level!”



  1. I’m glad to see that this problem has finally reached a city with the resources of Palestine.

    You see, this all started in Grapeland. They’ve been secretly sourcing aflatoxin from their peanuts for the last 7,000 years, and now that they have enough they’re using this to attack their neighbors. I’m from Latexo, and we’ve been seeing mutants heading down from Grapeland a lot lately. I’m sure that Elkhart has just been importing the stuff from Grapeland. This probably is how the Lemur got started.

    Latexo is too small to fight this off, so until it reaches Crockett the bad guys will have no challenge on the Southern front. Our only hope is from our dear Palestinian friends from the north!

    Take the fight to them, Palestine!

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