Home Palestine One dead, one injured in Presley Press Conference Announcing Selection for Communications Director
One dead, one injured in Presley Press Conference Announcing Selection for Communications Director

One dead, one injured in Presley Press Conference Announcing Selection for Communications Director

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PALESTINE, TX–One person is dead and another injured during a press conference by Palestine’s 2017 mayoral candidate Steve Presley during which he announced not only his choice for the city communications director, but a new position that Presley dubbed, “special enforcer.”

Presley, who has said that his victory is certain in the upcoming city’s mayor election introduced former editor of the Palestine Herald-Pressley and recent aresstee for domestic violence, Thomas Ray Martinez for the dual positon.

“Thomas has proven his loyalty to me during his time with the Herald-Pressley,” Presley explained, “And he’s a perfect fit for a newly created position, one I’ve dubbed the ‘special enforcer’ who will collect any delinquent water accounts to make sure the city receives the revenue we anticipated.”

Martinez entered the room wearing tactical gear and carrying an ASP collapsible baton.

Without saying a word, Martinez looked on as Presley then introduced a local citizen, Susan Forrester who Presley described as a frequent delinquent water bill account holder.

“This woman hardly pays on time and her account is often disconnected due to non-payment,” Presley proclaimed.

Forrester appeared to be confused before she was pummeled by Martinez who, using the collapsible baton, broke both of Forresters knees.  The attack only ended when Forrester’s husband, who had also been invited and was seated in the front row, began tossing cash in Martinez’s direction.

Kimberly Page, another local resident who was introduced by Presley as a “special guest,” appeared surprised when a PowerPoint on a large screen suggested that she had used city water without even having account.

“That’s not me,” Page could be heard saying before she was attacked by Martinez.  Martinez continued to strike Page as Presley said, “No reason to stop now, she can’t pay her bill because she doesn’t have a bill!  She’s a thief!”

Page was pronounced dead at the scene and her family, who was present during the punishment, were immediately notified.

Presley, to his credit, told reporters after the meeting that he didn’t condone violence.

“What violence,” Presley asked, “You mean you didn’t think that today’s presentation was what needed to be done?  No one that mattered  was hurt today!”

Anderson County District Attorney Allyson Mitchell said that no charges would be filed after the assaults and eventual death of at least one Palestine resident.

“There’s no reason to do any inquiry into today’s press conference,” Mitchell said.  “Look, we didn’t care about an open meetings violation so what makes you think we’d give a damn about two people who didn’t pay their bills and was a thief?  Steve is an excellent choice for mayor and today’s demonstration proved it!”

It was later revealed that Page was mistakenly confused with another resident of the same name.

“Not a big deal,” Presley said, “It’s just somewhat of a motivator to other residents to do what’s right and pay their bill!  There’s a new mayor in town!”

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Comment(26)

    1. Also, I would add, that these articles are satirical. There is no vendetta against Steve Presley or anyone else. Who is your smarter sibling? It would be easier to just talk to him and let him break it down to you real slow.

    1. Not in the least. Any lawsuit would simply be met with an Anti-SLAPP motion which would easily prevail. Satrical works with a clear disclaimer, something I’m not required to do, along with the absurdity.

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