PALESTINE,TX—The city’s Assistant Police Chief, Jeff Powell, announced yet another round of certificates of appreciation in recognition of “bravery and service above and beyond the call of duty” for his select members of the Palestine Police Department. Powell has a history of publicly recognizing his cadre of crony officers even for the most routine of duties like catching a thief, recovering stolen property, returning a phone call or simply taking out the trash. Records indicate the certificates alone have cost the city $30,000 in special embossed paper and cheap protective covers as Powell is apparently buying support for yet another bid at becoming the full-time chief of police.
The latest round of certificates was the result of a recent incident in which Powell became extremely hungry about 9:30 in the morning. He notified members of the patrol staff that he was watching “Dragnet” reruns on his PD computer and could not be bothered with a trip to the local donut shop. He requested an “immediate response team” via dispatch and the officers quickly responded to his needs with twelve dozen donuts in a five-minute span. One officer was assisting with a delivery of a child when the emergency call came through on his radio, but he hurriedly left the woman in the back of her SUV, apologizing profusely to the unidentified pregnant woman saying, “if I don’t do what Powell says, I’ll end up on night duty and be forced to eat stale donuts.”
The Dogwood Tale asked for a copy of the dispatch call but “amazingly” (what else would you expect) the recorded conversation has “mysteriously” (oops, purposely been deleted) disappeared, not the first time an allegation of “suspicious” (par for the course) activity has surfaced under Powell’s watch.
One big fan of Assistant Chief Powell is Sergeant Gary Rayford who is currently running as the Libertarian candidate against incumbent Anderson County Sheriff Greg Taylor(R). Rejected by the local Democrat, Republican and New Black Panther parties, Rayford says he views Powell as a mentor and a role model for law enforcement everywhere. “Look”, Rayford says, “I was one of the first responders when the distress call came through and I can say with all honesty, you don’t stand between an officer and a donut, it’s as American as mom and apple pie and I have proof that my opponent, that dishonest and hate mongering Sheriff Greg Taylor, put all local donut shops on lockdown to his deputies. They can’t buy a freaking donut and he’ll arrest any shop owner who gives them one. He hates donuts, he hates his mother and he hates apple pie. So vote Rayford4Sheriff!” Candidate Rayford went on to say he will work toward forming a joint donut task force between the city and the county if elected sheriff because the “circle of love” is important and he believes in the concept of “no donut hole left behind.”
In a chocolate smudged press release, Assistant Chief Powell thanked his favorite officers for their quick response and pledged his full support for whatever they may say or do, especially if it’s in his best interest and that of his protegé, Gary Rayford. Powell ended the release with the words, “Viva Le Donut!”
When asked to comment on this story, Sheriff Greg Taylor held up a donut that did not have a hole in it. He placed the tasty treat against a protected backdrop, then took forty paces with his back to the target before turning and firing his weapon. The sheriff strode confidently back to the donut and proudly held it up to reveal a bullet hole through its exact center. With a big grin on his face, Taylor stated, “Here at the Sheriff’s Department, we make our own donut holes, so I’ll just leave it at that.” Taylor then downed the donut in a couple of big bites and with a wave of his hand, headed back to his office, barking out orders along the way “for someone to get me another damn donut, I’m hungry.”