Military Vehicles Spotted in Palestine Walmart Parking Lot as Closure Nears for Jade Helm
PALESTINE, TX–In an article yesterday, The Dogwood Tale reported that military personnel arrived into town for what was described as just an exercise, but the Jade Helm operation appears to be more nefarious than the U.S. Government wants citizens to believe.
After tanks and other military vehicles arrived into town, it was announced that the local Walmart would be closing August 1st and retrofitted to house detainees that resist the military’s occupation of the city.
“We will not tolerate those that believe they will resist the occupation,” the man known only as The General said during a press conference at Palestine City Hall. “We have already detained City Manager Wendy Ellis and have obtained intel that will help us move forward with the operation. Even though we have not begun martial law, it is coming and when it does, you will be arrested if you resist efforts of the military in controlling citizens.”
Ellis, who was allowed to speak, appeared in her hazmat suit she begun wearing when she feared war with the nearby small town of Elkhart.
“These people are serious. This is serious,” Ellis told reporters. “I haven’t eaten in over thirty minutes, they will not feed me on a more frequent schedule saying something about three meals a day. What kind of human being can live like this?”
Walmart manager and District 1 Councilman Adam Harding said that the closure of the Walmart is winding down.
“We’ve already begun shipping merchandise to other cities so that the military can begin their work,” said Harding from an undisclosed location after he quickly left the Walmart store on Monday. “In fact, they’ve already started some of it in the back of the store out of sight of customers. Wendy is being housed in a rather large cage in the back of produce, as I speak. After August 1st, I hope to have a transfer approved to a different store. Sorry about your luck Palestine, but I didn’t sign on for this crap.”
A reader of The Dogwood Tale captured a photograph of a military vehicle on a trailer in the Walmart parking lot around 4 PM yesterday and sent it anonymously.
“A soldier spotted me taking the picture,” the anonymous reader writes. “They confiscated my phone, but I had already emailed the photo to my wife. The soldier destroyed my phone in front of me and told me to get lost. I am safe back home in Houston and felt that the citizens there needed to know what happened.”
The General says there are some people wanted for questioning.
“We are looking for Mayor Bob Herrington,” The General said. “According to Wendy, who folded like a wet taco, he’s the one that is spewing this anti-government rhetoric and he must be dealt with first. Anyone with information about the whereabouts of this troublemaker should stop at one of the stations set up in town and tell military personnel.”
As the situation worsens, most citizens are more concerned about where they will find their everyday low prices.
“I shop at Walmart all the time, Brookshire’s is too high,” Lwanada Davenport said. “What do they expect us to do? I don’t have no Amazon or anything like that so what am I supposed to do to feed my babies?”
Walmart encourages citizens to make use of services such as Amazon to order dry goods, but warns that all packages will be searched at the Walmart store once the military has completed the operation of converting the store for their own operations.
“I’m pretty hungry,” Ellis said during a late phone call allowed by military guards. “Tonight, they gave me a grande pack from Taco Bell, 10-bean burritos with lots of hot sauce, but I could use a snack. Maybe a Twix or a Snickers? Can you get that for me?”
With heightened security, we were unable to get Ellis a snack, but our reporter did slip her a piece of sugar-free gum that was tossed to the floor and met with expletives.
The General noted that a voluntary weapon handover will begin today, but after August 1, weapons will be confiscated.
“No citizen will be armed, under any circumstances, beginning August 1st when the Walmart store has closed,” The General said.