PALESTINE, TX–Conspiracy theorists have wondered what the federal government is up to with the Jade Helm exercises and now, Palestine residents have reason for concern as tanks arrived in various areas of Palestine, including the downtown area.
“We’re not really sure what the purpose of the tanks are,” said City Manager Wendy Ellis. “I’ve approached The General who seems to be in charge and told him I’ll tell him anything he needs to know if he’ll just make sure I’m spared from any attack on the city.”
Command posts have been set up across the city and according to Walmart manager and District 1 Councilman Adam Harding, the commanders have asked that the Walmart store be closed by August 1st.
“They told me that the store must be closed by August 1st so that it can be used to house detainees,” Harding told The Dogwood Tale. “Our plans are to close on that date, like we were ordered. Troops have already begun setting up in the back of the store out of sight of customers so it’s just a matter of time before whatever is planned goes down. I think I’m getting out of here as soon as possible.”
According to sources, Harding left his keys to the store with a night stocker left town.
“He just handed me these keys and said I was the boss,” the employee said. “I’ve never been the boss, but I guess I am now. Now, I’m going to fire that idiot in electronics that pissed me off last week so I gotta run.”
Citizens are rightfully concerned, but according to the commander of the troops, who prefers to only be known as ‘The General,’ there is no reason for it.
“If you are approached by military personnel, simply cooperate and you will not be harmed,” The General said. “Refusing orders or asking questions could have deadly consequences or have you detained at the Walmart once it’s retrofitted to house prisoners. The simple message is to just do what you’re told to do.”
“It’s scary, but I’m not worried about it,” Ellis said. “I’m giving up everything I know and they seem to be happy with me. I hope Mayor Bob doesn’t expect to cozy up to these guys because I’ve told them all about his anti-government rants and they’re not happy at all. Not one bit. I’m just glad this happened before that employee satisfaction survey because, whoa, this is way worse than working for me. Survey that council,” Ellis said before being shuffled off in hand and leg restraints.