PALESTINE, TX — A 42-year-old City of Palestine man is hospitalized with Ebola after being intentionally exposed to the disease by Water Distribution and Wastewater Collection Supervisor Doug Whitten who, according to him, was acting on the instructions of City Manager Wendy Ellis.
The unidentified man is in critical condition. No further updates on his condition were available other than he was “diagnosed with Ebola.”
Palestine City Manager Wendy Ellis said the intentional exposure to the disease was a move to spur the economy.
“I noticed on the news that every time one of these Ebola victims pops up, federal authorities come to that city,” she said. “I thought, what if that was Palestine? Imagine the economic boost we would receive from hotel occupancy tax and, when this officials aren’t worrying over this guy, they’ll be out spending money in our community and we might, just might, meet our sales tax projections for the 2014 budget year. So, I came up with this idea to draw attention to our community and tourists from the Center for Disease Control. Hey, their money is green, too!”
Infecting the man was no easy task, according to Whitten.
“He initially ran, but I grabbed my flashlight and gun and was able to track him down in a field near his home on North Jackson,” he said. “Once cornered, Wendy held him down and I injected the virus. Within minutes, the man was exhibiting symptoms of the Ebola virus.”
“We must do what we can to help the downtown area and my commitment to that has never been demonstrated more than with this latest act,” Ellis said. “He’ll [the infected man] will be fine and if he dies, he’ll be dying for a good cause. The extra revenue in sales tax will give us a tremendous boost and with a few employees having not received the raises I promised, desperate times call for desperate measures.”
The Dogwood Tale interviewed Ellis as she wore her hazardous materials suit which she says will protect her from the Ebola virus.
Unlike the West Nile Virus outbreak, Ellis said residents should be a little concerned. “Just don’t go outside or to work, but feel free to go out and shop with our downtown merchants” she said.
Ellis said concerned residents should contact city hall with any questions, but don’t come inside because “we don’t want to get sick.”
“I do want to thank Doug [Whitten] for his help. I had no idea, until his arrest, that he could serve in so many capacities,” Ellis said.