Home Palestine City of Palestine to Lease Out Mall for Adult Supercenter
City of Palestine to Lease Out Mall for Adult Supercenter

City of Palestine to Lease Out Mall for Adult Supercenter

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PALESTINE—City Manager Wendy Ellis surprised members of the Palestine City Council last night by announcing she had leased the Palestine Mall to a company that plans to open an AdultMart Supercenter.  The announcement was at a special meeting to discuss the upcoming budget plans for the city.

Ellis said the pros far out weigh the cons. “We’re coming in way under on sales tax revenue and, now that my council has been chosen, it’s crunch time as we must think outside the box to generate revenue,” Ellis said before winking at several close friends in the audience and adding, “we have a few hard working employees that have yet to receive their well deserved raises and that is my number one goal, but to do that we need this income.”

A representative of AdultMart said the Supercenter planned for Palestine would be a first of it’s kind. “It will include a bookstore, theater, and motel all in one central location,” the representative said. An elaborate display was presented to council with product samples.

The representative said he would consider an idea presented by district 6 Councilman Steve Presley to operate a mobile version of Adultmart on the Texas State Railroad’s Polar Express each year. “We’ll just need to work out the logistics, but I think that’s something we can make happen,” he assured council.

Despite being on the record as against sexually oriented businesses being opened in Palestine, Mayor Therrell Thomas commended Ellis. “Wendy, once again, I am in awe with your brilliance. I said we’d be blessed if we just gave away tax dollars and we did that with our donation to West, TX. Now, we’re blessed with you as our city manager.”

Councilman Mark Price recused himself from the meeting due to the geographical proximity of the AdultMart Supercenter to the Verizon Wireless store where he works. “I may pay them a visit before and after work and on my lunch break, you know, so I shouldn’t be a part of any discussions,” Price said before scooping up several items from the AdultMart display and retreating to the back of council chambers.

Police Chief Robert Herbert spoke to council, personally volunteering his time for security at the new adult store. “They’ll need someone to look over things,” the chief said, “I’m the man for this job.” Herbert suggested that members of his newly formed Cuties on Patrol may also help with security. Herbert, who was sweating profusely, could hardly be understood through the rest of his excited speech.

At least one Palestine resident was excited about the new Supercenter. “I usually have to drive to Tyler to find any action, this should make it easier for people to find the things that interest them,” Paul Hempley said from his mother’s basement.

Ellis said the store should be opened by the end of this year and already has plans for a club of her own inside the Adultmart Supercenter.  “The WETT Zone,” a collaborative effort between Ellis and Mayor Thomas, gets its name from the combination of the two’s initials, Ellis announced.   “Therrell will supply the drinks courtesy of his liquor store while I’ll supply myself for the entertainment,” Ellis explained. Ellis said her recent dance at the reception for outgoing district 1 council member Will Brule has really inspired her. “Even though donations were low, I still feel I have a bright future in dancing so should council suddenly realize I really shouldn’t be city manager and give me the boot, I’ll have something to fall back on,” Ellis said while laughing almost hysterically, “though does anyone really see that happening?”

Ellis was later asked if council would approve the project and Ellis was certain that they would.  “I’m not really worried about council, after all, they work for me so if they don’t like the idea, they can find something else to do because we only ask them to approve things because of something called a carter, or charter or something like that so we have to let them do it for television and stuff.”  Thomas deferred any and all comments to Ellis and declined to speak to reporters.  “Wendy hasn’t told me what I can say about this, so I think it’s best I let her talk to the media,” the mayor said.

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Comment(4)

  1. In related news, the city council also approved a new nature park directly behind the Palestine Mall. Located in this beautiful park will be hundreds of trees, a well maintained hiking trail and numerous benches in public and secluded places. The council stated,”This will give our local nature lovers a safe place to meet in the woods, away from all of the intrusions from families with children and legitimate hikers that often disrupt their ‘nature loving’ at other local parks.” A fenced in parking area will be included for privacy and an ‘adults only’ policy will be enforced.

    In an interview with a local citizen we learned of the hazards that will be avoided and the appreciation of local married businessmen : ” I am happy that we finally have a place that we can go on our lunch break to meet like minded individuals and have a safe place to have some fellowship in a natural setting ! It was becoming not only a nuisance, but a danger to try to meet at that lake park……they even pulled an 11 foot long alligator out of there. If that big ole thing had wandered up the wrong trail he may have got a two-for-one meal ! Thank you Palestine for thinking of your local undercover nature lovers.”

  2. This is someone’s attempt at humor, correct?
    Surely this is some sort of a joke!!!!

  3. At the top of the page ! “Disclaimer
    The Dogwood Tale is a satirical news publication. All articles contained within, however near to real stories appearing in the news, should be assumed to be of a fictitious and satirical nature. Except in the case of public figures, any resemblance to real persons or events is purely coincidental.

    Before you contact an attorney, please seek the help of a mental health specialist if you believe anything on The Dogwood Tale.

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