PALESTINE, TX—The City of Palestine will be the new home of 5,000 Syrian refugees beginning next week, Scott Parkhurst, the city’s Emergency Management Coordinator, announced Monday morning.
The move was made on approval of the city’s tourism advisory board and it’s chairman, Jackson Hanks.
“Now that the best marketing director ever has resigned, we must do something to help with tourism,” Hanks said. “The refugees will be spending money the government gives them right here in Palestine so we’ll benefit directly from those tax dollars.”
Hanks said the Syrian refugees must meet only one condition.
“We’re not really worried about terrorism or any of that, but each refugee must bow at the feet of Breezy Lake-Wolf and thank her for her help putting this city on the map,” Hanks explained. “This will happen every time they see her and those refugees that fail to honor Breezy will be out of here immediately.”
Local residents are concerned, but Hanks explained that this is what he wanted.
“I hear your concerns and I understand, but this is what I want and that’s all that matters because I’m struggling to stay relevant in this town so just get over it. I’m sure most of them won’t hurt anyone as we vetted each one by asking them if they loved Palestine before we allow them into the city and while I think most thought were talking about the Palestinian territory in the Middle East, I was satisfied with their answers,” Hanks said. “We also told the refugees that downtown Palestine was the busiest part of town so good luck Mr. Suicide Bomber because we all know no one is downtown,” Hanks said while laughing hysterically.
Mayor Bob Herrington was unavailable for comment because he was working on his home, but former mayor Therrell Thomas applauded the decision.
“Bob would never think outside the box like this,” Thomas said. “I want to say, no offense to the refugees but I would prefer they not come to my liquor store, for when, you know, they decide to do something.”