Home Palestine City of Palestine Moves Forward with Plans for 57-Acre Sexually Oriented Theme Park
City of Palestine Moves Forward with Plans for 57-Acre Sexually Oriented Theme Park

City of Palestine Moves Forward with Plans for 57-Acre Sexually Oriented Theme Park

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READ UPDATE:  CITY OF PALESTINE FIRES BACK AFTER PROTEST OF SEXUALLY ORIENTED BUSINESS AD IN HERALD-PRESS!  

PALESTINE, TX—The City of Palestine announced in a press release distributed to media today that AdultMart—the company that is in the planning stages of opening the largest sexually oriented business in the country—will be moving forward with their plans, though the Palestine Mall is no longer available for the opening.

“We’ve listened to the community,” read the press release, “And it was clear that the citizens did not want an adult store in the mall.  We get it.  So, we called up the AdultMart people and they agreed that they didn’t want to upset this little snobby town, so we came up with an even better idea:  A 57-acre sexually oriented theme park that will be located on the loop directly behind McCoy’s.”

The theme park, construction of which is set to begin immediately after council approval, is expected to bring in millions in tourist dollars, according to the press release, but other areas of the city will financially benefit as well.

“It’s not just the tourism dollars that will see an increase, but the registration fees for sex offenders will increase as this new customer base moves to the city to enjoy the new theme park right in their own new backyard,” the press release noted.

The press release goes on to criticize citizens for their negativity in opposing the AdultMart Supercenter that was to be located inside the Palestine Mall.

“You know, we don’t get it.  You’re always saying we need new jobs and businesses in this town, but when we try something new, you get all angry.  Hopefully, this theme park is out of the way enough to make you all happy,” the press release concluded.

An AdultMart representative told The Dogwood Tale he’s still excited about the project.

“It’ll still be the largest sexually oriented business in the country and the first sexually themed theme park in the country so we’ve come out a little ahead on this change of plans,” the AdultMart spokesman said, “And we still have plans to have the mobile AdultMart on the Texas State Railroad’s Polar Express.”

The theme park is expected to open in May.

READ UPDATE:  CITY OF PALESTINE FIRES BACK AFTER PROTEST OF SEXUALLY ORIENTED BUSINESS AD IN HERALD-PRESS! 

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Comment(230)

  1. Now i am a working man in Palestine Texas. I am 21 years old , and currently attending college. I see no reason this theme park should not be opened. We need to compete with the cities around us. If we built this park, it would be the only of its kind. This is out of the whole contry. This would skyrocket our cities economy. People from around the contry, people who have never heard of Palestine would come here just to experience the contries first adult themed theme park. Also the jobs are well needed in theis times. Think about the people. We need this. It is nothing but pure economic growth for the city.

    1. I grew up a few short miles from Palestine, and now I’ve moved off to bigger and better things (employment). This is a pretty big motivator, and has me questioning my line of reasoning about moving away. I know I’ll be back to join my perverted townsmen soon.

    2. You’re a college student and you can’t spell COUNTRY??? Maybe Palestine should spend the money on their education system instead. It’s not a mistake; you did it twice.

      1. Would someone please splain to my backwoods brethren here in Palestine about “The Onion”. Since most folks in P town just got internet early this year they have never heard of or read “The Onion”. Please read “The Onion” before reading this site. It will make things much easier, though when I first saw an article about four people dying of West Nile virus on Facebook I freaked until I came to the site and realized what was happening. I like the idea of humor related to Palestine but the concept of satire may be a little too advanced for some. Also, I hate all the pop-ups. Please get rid of them.

    3. Dude, start paying less attention to theme parks and more attention to your studies, particularly spelling and grammar. People will take you more serious when you sound educated.

  2. Money over morality. I pray you know what you are doing!? Can Palestine look itself in the mirror if local society becomes corruption? I have trouble thinking this would be good for all. I hope I’m wrong. God bless.

    1. Sex = corruption? The entire world population is doomed!!!!! Even you Estell, you were brought into this world because your parents had sex, that means by extension you are corrupt because you were brought about by a corrupted act.
      See how ridiculous that appears when you really think about it? Sex is nature and therefor sexuality and exploring it is also natural. Stop being locked in the past and accept that the old “biblical ways” are a thing of the past.

    1. Jan really nothing but trash? So your trashy if you are great with your sexuality and are not ashamed of a naked human body. Our bodies are to be celebrated

      1. Yeah, she sounds like the life of the party! Fucking morality police. Go read your bible, Jan, and leave the fun to the normal people.

  3. What’s wrong with just a regular theme park? Is the sexual theme really necessary? Theme parks are a great way to gain revenue but I wouldn’t take kids or even my own mother to it. Smh what’s this world coming to

  4. Nothing wrong with sex 😉 maybe have a roller coaster “69 Paradise” where you actually get to do 69 while on a roller coaster – talk about a fkin thrill!!!

  5. it could have a “Kiddy” park too… called “Prudes Tavern” where all you prude ass motherfuckers would go 😛

  6. Capitalism is boss! If there is a demand for a park like this, it will succeed. If not, the doors will close. Simple as that. I personally wouldn’t want this trash in my town, but his is a”free country”…I think. Reagan what college do you attend? It is spelled country not contry. Also be ready for Westboro Baptist Church nuts to be picketing there too.

  7. I am all for a theme park. I think that would be great for this town. However I have kids and enjoy the fact that I live in a small close nit community that puts god and family first. So with that being said I feel a sexually themed amusement park would be detrimental to our town morally because unfortunately this world is full of perverts. If thats the type of business and people you want for this town then go for it but dont complain when the trouble with it soon follows.

        1. Trust me.. this is fake…. “The Dogwood Tale is a satire web publication intended to poke fun at politics and a few citizens in our small community known as Palestine, Texas. It’s often said about Palestine politics: “You just can’t make this stuff up.”

          Well, we say you can and we will.

          It is owned and operated by SmallTownJustice.com.” Created by Ricky Minton.

  8. I love how all the Christians are like, “I pray you know what your doing, what would Jesus do.” BITCH EVERYONE LOVES SEX. GET OVER IT.

  9. IM from east Texas born an raised grew up 20 mins north of Palestine never heard of this but it will damn sure put east Texas on the map!!! All is good in my book but should be for adults only no one under 18

  10. so are u gonna be riding on a dick going into a pussy tunnel ?? don’t get me wrong I love sex and sex shops but how am I post to explain to my kids they can’t go there or if ya see a big ass dick riding on the tracks? just put a reg them park in and let them open up some shops

    1. I guess you’ll have to talk to your kids then. I hate having to explain things to my children, so I understand your frustration. But let’s look at it this way, at least you have the vocabulary to do it.

  11. Goodness you are all a bunch of redneck, backwoods morons. The article is fake and it did exactly what it was created to do. Caught a stringer full of bible-thumpin, backslidin hypocrites on the hook.

  12. XD how can y’all call yourselves “grown ups” if you’re taking a SATIRE news website seriously. Damn I think some of you need to go back to school.

  13. This may be fake! But I tell you being saved and knowing Jesus isnt! You people making evil remarks against christians, when u do that you make them against the Lord and that makes you foolish. We need to wake up and realize what time it is! I will tell you! Time to give our hearts to Jesus! Time is running out! Dont be left behind! And I dont have to be anonymous, I’m not ashamed of the gospel of Christ, my name is Julie Anne Ricci

  14. ummmm, that picture is Kings Dominion in Doswell, VA. it’s the Anaconda, Rebel Yell, and Intimidatory 305. I didn’t even know that crap was a stock image of roller coasters, considering that rebel yell is a wooden coaster and anaconda beats the hell out of ya (haven’t been in the 305 yet)

    1. If its on the internet, or on the news.. it must be true right? You’re retarded lol

      Trust me.. this is fake…. “The Dogwood Tale is a satire web publication intended to poke fun at politics and a few citizens in our small community known as Palestine, Texas. It’s often said about Palestine politics: “You just can’t make this stuff up.”

      Well, we say you can and we will.

      It is owned and operated by SmallTownJustice.com.” Created by Ricky Minton.

  15. I think this would be cool, I’d go. It would be awesome to go to a theme park with no little kids there! I’m all for it!!

  16. Well I’ll tell u what I have three kids 5-7-9 years old I protect them with all my power a theme park like this is not cool a sex shop would have been cool but this is ridiculous my children will see this when we are going to Jack in the box or driving around the loop I mean c’mon palestine there’s better ways to make money here than exposing yourselves in a greasy cum stained theme park what about the raps and murders that will follow with out of town people and the little boys and girls that sexual predators thrive on this palestine is bullshit

  17. SHUT UP AND TAKE MY MONEY!!!

    You know, they should consult with Rodney Carrington. I believe he had some great theme park suggestions a few years back. Something about sending “The Big Pecker” ride up “Titty Mountain”.

  18. Ha! Palestine has been a piece of shit for years. Y’all are just now seein this? Its just gonna top off all the dope in that town. I grew up there and bailed in 98.. So now there will be sex and dope? Great! So thankful I got away!

  19. What the hell? Is it rides that that looks like dicks and titties or is it u have sex on the rides lol ive never heard of such lol

  20. Can someone say dictionary for my fellow palestine folk? Y’all are completely ridiculous in thinking this will actually happen. If it does happen I feel sorry for you; especially those of you who will be taken care of by the generation that is raised around this. YOUR actions reflect on how our younger generation is raised.

  21. It’s sad that this is likely fake. I’ve spent a lot of time in that area lately and there is no economy and a lot of very undereducated people. I lived there as a kid and it wasn’t bad but now it’s just sad.

  22. Instead of Something So Negative like this lets Have more things for the Kids to Do..Like Friday’s and Saturdays, and even Sunday Give us something to Spend our money on more than Drinking at these Restaunts. .Tyler, Longview, Palestine and the Surroundings Areas need More things to Do..

  23. Maybe a Dave in Busters or A Amusement park, More Attractive please Im Waste More Money in Dallas than I do in my Home Town Tyler..Trampoline Bounce house..

  24. funny how most of the bitching, moaning and complaining is from women. Jealousy must really suck. This isn’t even real, and these women are PRAYING????? Pitiful.

  25. I have to disagree ma’am,( Mrs. Winters)…. The people with solid morals that include not going to a fun park like this should not be tempted, and therefore it will not have an effect on morals.

  26. Any place that has nude activities….resorts, campgrounds etc… usually have a hard and firm policy of requiring towels to be used on seats and benches,.

    Passing along from a friend.

    1. Well we really don’t know how long that camp site has been in the making. There’s been time to build a fence and such and that can take at least a week maybe more……

  27. What does it mes sexually oriented cause if I where grown people walking around naked I will not take my little girl there and I won’t go. I don’t want to see a naked man or women.

    1. John Lamb satire, the oldest form of government criticism in America. Not lies for those that have the intelligence to see the underlying points being made.

    2. Ricky Minton, just trying to remind folks. They insist on getting their panties in a twist without really looking. “Lies” was just for emphasis. Sorry of it offended you.

  28. Me too..but at this point I’ve caught a case of the giggles (random snorts included) over today’s comments. To mich head shaking and face palms has made me delirious.

  29. If you people that are getting all upset and butt-hurt actuall read the article it’s PAINFULLY obvious that this is a joke especially since at the end it says it’s scheduled to open in May…it’s already April 21 and no construction has started. That would be impossible.

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