PALESTINE, TX—The City of Palestine announced in a press release distributed to media today that AdultMart—the company that is in the planning stages of opening the largest sexually oriented business in the country—will be moving forward with their plans, though the Palestine Mall is no longer available for the opening.
“We’ve listened to the community,” read the press release, “And it was clear that the citizens did not want an adult store in the mall. We get it. So, we called up the AdultMart people and they agreed that they didn’t want to upset this little snobby town, so we came up with an even better idea: A 57-acre sexually oriented theme park that will be located on the loop directly behind McCoy’s.”
The theme park, construction of which is set to begin immediately after council approval, is expected to bring in millions in tourist dollars, according to the press release, but other areas of the city will financially benefit as well.
“It’s not just the tourism dollars that will see an increase, but the registration fees for sex offenders will increase as this new customer base moves to the city to enjoy the new theme park right in their own new backyard,” the press release noted.
The press release goes on to criticize citizens for their negativity in opposing the AdultMart Supercenter that was to be located inside the Palestine Mall.
“You know, we don’t get it. You’re always saying we need new jobs and businesses in this town, but when we try something new, you get all angry. Hopefully, this theme park is out of the way enough to make you all happy,” the press release concluded.
An AdultMart representative told The Dogwood Tale he’s still excited about the project.
“It’ll still be the largest sexually oriented business in the country and the first sexually themed theme park in the country so we’ve come out a little ahead on this change of plans,” the AdultMart spokesman said, “And we still have plans to have the mobile AdultMart on the Texas State Railroad’s Polar Express.”
The theme park is expected to open in May.