PALESTINE, TX – City manager Wendy Ellis is exercising her executive powers by issuing new mandates designed to halt any inquiries into the actions of local city government. “Although I have my four puppets on a string,” an obvious reference toward Mayor Therrell Thomas and council members Steve Presley, Joseph Thompson, and Mark Price, the city manager defiantly declared, “I run this town and it’s time for people to love me and bow down to my greatness and that includes my four lap dogs, because nobody, and I repeat NOBODY, is above me.” Ellis then stood on top of her desk brandishing an advance copy of a new book written by Barack Obama entitled “How to Bypass City Councils and Ignore City Charters: The Liberal Training Guide for Future Presidents.” Ellis raised both arms into the air and shouted, “Hope and change has finally come to Palestine,” as her three highly overpaid minions clapped their hands and enthusiastically shouted their approval.
Ellis heaped praise on the current President for giving her the strength, determination, and knowledge to throw all caution, and a lot of taxpayer money, to the wind. “I have a pen and a phone,” the city manager said, “and I know how to use them. Praise be to our President and to the progressive movement, so, all of you local conservatives can just kiss my ass, and for God’s sake, Mark Price, stop licking my hand, I’ve already fed you today.”
True to her words, the city manager then used her mighty pen to issue her first executive order, changing her title from city manager to “Queen of Palestine” ,then picked up the phone and called her family to tell them the good news. After donning her new royal outfit, the self appointed Queen decreed that anyone making derogatory comments about the city or asking about its operations, will be arrested and their property seized by the city. “I’m deadly serious about this,” she warned, “I can go from zero to bitch in the blink of an eye, just ask my husband, or any of my employees who did not receive $20,000 pay increases.”
Queen Wendy then demanded that an ornate throne, to be paid for with new 2014 tax notes, be placed in the city council chambers so she can be prominently positioned “in a manner befitting her royal stature” during regular city council meetings and to eliminate any doubt as to who controls the city. “I think we need to tell people the truth about my little queendom so they fully understand who the boss is, I mean, the poor little townsfolk actually believe their elected officials are looking out for their interests so it’s time we just tell it like it is.” All four lap dogs wagged their tails in agreement as the Queen shouted, “Release the hounds,” at which point the four little servants politely bowed, then scampered forth from the city castle to spread the word among the peasants, “Long live the Queen!”
Among other royal orders, the four messengers were instructed to remind peasants of the mandatory clean-up of the Queen’s yard on Saturday, October 18, a necessary action in order to prepare the royal grounds for the arrival of important guests at the Queen’s annual fall parade and festival which takes place on October 25. The royal parade begins at 10:00am and rumor has it the Queen will sit atop a giant ice cream float while being spoon fed by her four man-servants.