PALESTINE,TX —Local leaders held a press conference over the weekend to announce that NASCAR is coming to town in the spring of 2016, an attraction they hope will bring tens of thousands of fans to Palestine during the annual Dogwood Trails event.
Specific details of the plan are sketchy at this time, but what is known is that Adultmart, the nation’s leader in the retail pornography industry, has put up millions of dollars to sponsor the event. “We’re coming to Palestine, one way or another,” a company spokesman said. AdultMart’s board of directors watched the recent public hearings at city hall where multiple residents attacked the company’s plan for a 57 acre adult theme park in the old industrial park. The board at AdultMart then put their heads together and sent word to their marketing department “they had better rise to the occasion” and come up with a new angle of attack.
The results of weeks of really hard work were brought before council in a special meeting during the wee hours Saturday morning when representatives of AdultMart revealed everything they had to offer, baring all and leaving nothing to the imagination. Company reps weren’t shy as they dangled their ideas and strutted their stuff in front of an obviously disinterested, sleepy, and hard-to-please council, but, like a sensitive and unselfish lover, the AdultMart reps started off slowly at first, doling out a little sweet talk by reminding council how important and wonderful they were and how lucky the city was to have them. Then, seeing that council was starting to respond, the company reps began to pick up their rhythm along the way, and, as company reps finally reached their climax some 15 minutes later, the volume of information was so great and and the ideas were spewing forth with such uncontrollable pulsating intensity, that council was left open-mouthed and speechless at the conclusion of what can only be described as one very impressive performance. Mayor Therrell Thomas announced a ten minute “smoke break”, after which council reconvened and voted unanimously for the plan.
AdultMart reps claimed it was their best performance ever in front of a city council, and patted themselves on the back for exceeding their own expectations, “We gave them everything we had, it was huge, and they swallowed the whole thing, not one time did they spit out any of our ideas, not one, it’s huge!”
City officials say the race will take place around the 10.5 mile Loop 256 and will consist of at least forty laps. Thousands of spectators will be able to bring in RVs and travel trailers and a large number of tail-gazing and group “snuggle parties” are anticipated. AdultMart will recoup its investment from TV broadcast rights, as well as the sale of souvenir merchandise from internet sales on the national market, and a portion of local ticket sales. According to legal experts, the city’s Sexually Oriented Business ordinance will not be violated, and the city will benefit from hundreds of thousands in “fringe” benefits from the horny visitors.
Commenting on the evening’s development, city councilman Joseph Thompson remarked, “This is more than doable, this is done.” Councilman Steve Presley, a licensed pharmacist, said condom sales alone are expected to result in $50,000 in actual sales taxes for the city, then issued a reminder to residents, “and besides, it’s only a one week event, so the benefits far outweigh the inconvenience, and if we don’t do this, you realize we’re going to have to raise your property taxes.”
Come 2016, looks like it’s time to burn some rubber in Palestine, TX!